While You Were Teething...

...a new year was just around the corner.

And you kinda-sorta knew that a trip to the dentist was just around the corner. Your gums were ITCHY. But you hate dentists and denial is the only stage for you.

And then you had dinner with a friend who said, "Don't be an idiot. I have one false tooth now because I didn't go to the dentist early enough. Go."

But you still didn't go immediately because you had work and stuff to do. Then it was three days into the new year and the right side of your mouth--no, your FACE--was so painful you tried to make it go away with a lot of red wine.

But by 3AM it was still giving you hell so you wound up in the ER. They stuck a needle in you and gave you painkillers but it still wouldn't go away, so the next day you FINALLY went to the dentist and there she was, sleeping like it was nobody's business.

No wonder the painkillers weren't working. They called your sleeping tooth big and fat (HEY!) and close to the nerve and said you had to get it out STAT so you were in the operating room two days later.

Six hours after the nice anesthesia lady said, "Welcome to the OR" you woke up in recovery and they brought you to your room, all drugged up.

What you didn't know:

1. The sides of your mouth were crusty and bloody and they looked like stitches.

2. Your right cheek was taped up and the tape was all squiggly, like there were stitches.

3. Your Mom hid in the bathroom and shed a tear or two because she thought they were all stitches. Then she called home and said, "Nobody says ANYTHING about the stitches."

What you now know:

1. The sides of your mouth were crusty and bloody but they were wounds, not stitches.

2. Your right cheek was showing the big fat stitches that were INSIDE your mouth.

3. Your Mom is a worst-case-scenario Mom who will protect you from anything and everything. You are (perhaps to a fault) so unconcerned about what you look like (or kinda slow and stoopid) you didn't think about possible scars from your "stitches".

4. (to the tune of Wild Thing):

Tramadol, you make my heart sing

You make everything groovy

(Lalo na kapag naka-IV)

You saw yourself doing split leaps over and over, like a cow jumping over the moon.

Your dentist visited you the next day and said, "I've been doing this for 36 years but your teeth are something else! All three wisdom teeth were big and fat, with roots that were not only long and curved but had little balls at the end. Ano ang pinainom sa yo nung bata, gatas ng kalabaw??" And he said his hands were so painful he skipped his golf tournament.

So since Jan. 7 you've been on a crazy person's diet (liquid to soft only). "Eating" the soup of oatmeal, the soup of nilaga. Drinking more milk than you ever thought you would. (And you LOVE milk.) Wondering how anorexics do it because you're so dizzy dizzy and hungry hungry always

You never thought you'd envy your mother for eating OATMEAL. Or your father for eating pandesal. Or for wanting something that wasn't SWEET (You! Queen of Gummi Bears + Red Vines!).

Your boyfriend celebrated his birthday, and while everybody was eating steak and drinking alcohol you had mashed potatoes and pumpkin soup and a pitcher of water. But after days and days of drinking the soup of the oatmeal, the soup of nilaga, and milk, milk, milk, that first teaspoonful of mashed potatoes was HEAVEN. And when that tiny piece of foie gras hit your tongue and stayed there you shed actual tears.

Eight days after the surgery they asked you to come in so they could take the stitches out and you thought, HOORAY! HOORAY! and you made a list of all the places you would go to and all the food you would eat (Shakey's Special, Cibo's Alfonso, Quickly Taro-Taro, Hainanese Delight's kuchay dumplings, Pivo's Wagyu Burger).

And then the dentist said you still couldn't eat anything and everything, or do yoga, or go firing, or do heavy housework. But he finally said you could eat arroz caldo. So that's a good thing. But you smell food and you feel horrible and hungry and you realize, "Yes, I came from cavemen who loved their meat."

So now you're crossing your toes that when you visit him on Tuesday he'll set you free and you'll make it to Tikoy Land in time. And you'll stop being so dizzy and hungry and STUPID all the time, stop walking so slowly (You! Walking slowly!), have enough energy to take the stairs again, and holy kamote you still remember the EXACT date and time you last had an alcoholic drink and a cigarette.

But until then, these guys are your friends:

A definite upgrade, considering you only had these guys to work with last week:

(Yes, this child ate GERBER. What is act of desperation?)

And it wasn't that long ago that you had to use this (lovingly supplied by Da Sister):

And you're super-duper glad you bought this (what is perfect timing):

So now you're losing weight at a rate that scares you because when you were a lollipop gymnast you did a lot of crash dieting and you know you're so going to balloon after this.

Your mother said, "Stop making your eyes so big" and you said, "They're the same size, but my face is getting smaller."

Your boss said, "I can see your jaw and your neck is getting longer. But mygad ang putla mo umuwi ka na muna." And your officemate said, "We can't have you collapsing."

And your sister said, "Your butt is disappearing!" which you know is big trouble for you because you don't have any boobs and your tummy isn't going anywhere.

And now my neighbor is frying PORK so help me GOD