Burn Notice's Best Spy Tips

(Yes. Another dark-haired man with a gun. I have a type.)

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Burn Notice's Best Spy Tips

Michael Westen is a man of action...and knowledge.
by Matt Fowler

July 8, 2009 - Burn Notice is definitely the coolest thrill ride on Summer TV, but it's not all tan lines and car chases. Along with the adventurous escapades of ex-spy Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan) and his adept cohorts, Sam (Bruce Campbell) and Fi (Gabrielle Anwar), comes a barrage of handy information. Useful tidbits. Sage advice. Spy tips for fledgling espionage practitioners.

That's right, not only do we get to watch Michael use his expert skills to take down Miami thugs, but in a sort of "breaking the 4th wall" narration, Michael actually explains his actions through voiceover; talking tactics and strategy to us, the uninitiated viewer. It's one of the things that makes Burn so much fun; breaking down death-defying spy games into a thinking man's sport.

Michael might not be working for Uncle Sam anymore, but that doesn't mean that his not ready to drop some hardcore knowledge on us. Here are some of the cleverest and most cunning Spy Tips from Mr. Westen from over the past couple years.

SURVEILLANCE IS BORING AS HELL

TIP: (Episode "Pilot") "Covert intelligence involves a lot of waiting around. You know what it's like being a spy? Like sitting in your dentist's reception area 24 hours a day. You read magazines, sip coffee, and every so often someone tries to kill you."

What makes Michael so much fun is the way he drolly dishes on the unglamorous side of seemingly super-cool espionage. It's not all action and romance. There's a lot of butt-numbing "down time." A lot of the old "hurry up and wait." Of course, there are different methods you can use to break up the boredom…

TIP: (Episode "Broken Rules") "In intelligence work, surveillance is called coverage. It's like basketball; you can run zone defense or man-to-man. Man-to-man is risky; follow someone too long and they're going to get suspicious. Zone is usually the way to go. Stay put and let targets come to you. Less obvious, easier on the feet... and you can catch up on your celebrity gossip."
Yeah, there's a lot of magazine reading, teeth picking, gun cleaning and temple rubbing involved in stakeouts.


GET YOUR DRINK ON

TIP: (Episode "Old Friends") "Spies go to bars for the same reason people go to libraries: full of information if you know where to ask."

Yeah, James Bond might be the master if inebriated self-loathing, but when it comes right down to it, drinking can cloud your thinking. Spies might have to go to bars and clubs, imbibe in a few cocktails and down a few shots…but it's definitely not the best way to keep a clear head in a sticky situation.

Bond might ooze vodka out of his pores, but that kind of boozy behavior isn't going to fly for Michael. Not unless you count catching a buzz off a few Boysenberry Yoplaits.

TIP: (Episode "Good Soldier") "There's an art to drinking without getting drunk. Start with a lot of ice to dilute the alcohol; order a new round before you're done so your half-full drink gets taken away, and of course, spill"


SAMS MAKE THE BEST DISTRACTIONS

TIP: (Episode "Turn and Burn") "Most people think distracting a group of guys is best done by a beautiful woman. The problem with beautiful women is people want them to stick around, which can cause a lot of problems. Obnoxious guys, they just want to get rid of."
Bruce Campbell's Sam Axe is the best back up man in the business. Hands down. Not only is he skilled in covert ops, but he's also always game for becoming a loud jerk at the drop of a hat. Yes, it's often that Sam is used to create a big ol' scene in public, just to distract people long enough to let Michael slip on past prying eyes.


CHESS, CHECKERS AND DUCK DUCK GOOSE

TIP: (Episode "Rough Seas") "Dealing with a trained operative is like playing chess with a master. Dealing with criminals, on the other hand, is like playing checkers with a three-year-old: they like to change the rules."

Michael has to go up against all kinds of foes on Burn Notice. Some are equals; experts in the game of international intrigue. Some, however, are amateurs. Laymen. Guys that think they're top notch, but are really bottom barrel. Part of Michael's cerebral repertoire is his skill for discerning between the two.

TIP: (Episode "Scatter Point") "Tailing a trained operative requires a number of time consuming preparations: everything from acquiring a vehicle they can't recognize or trace to familiarizing yourself with all the local traffic patterns. Of course, since you can never be sure who's a trained op, there's always the chance you'll take all those precautions just to follow a secretary back to her cubicle."

Walking hand in hand with boring surveillance work are the never-ending cat-and-mouse meetings that spies have to set up with one another.

TIP: (Episode "Bad Blood") "When meeting a covert operative for the first time, the arrangements can tell you a lot: if they give you a map and a photo, they trust you; a place and a time, they want to check you out before they make contact; a cryptic clue like 'tidy pelican,' they've just got an irritating sense of humor."

TIP: (Episode "Wanted Man") "Clandestine meetings are never fun to arrange. It's a big part of the job for a covert operative but it's never pleasant. It's not so much the fear of death that bothers you, it's driving to the meeting with a bag over your head... Sometimes they wash the bag, sometimes they don't."


FIGHT CLUB

TIP: (Episode "Comrades") "A fight is one of the quickest ways to tell if someone isn't who they say they are. If you say you are Russian but fight like an American, consider your cover blown, which means you better know Sambo, the mixed martial art of Russia. Of course, you also have to win the fight; a great cover ID doesn't help much if you're dead."

Michael has to use his intuition 24/7. Not only does he have to look at every situation from every angle; sizing up competition, gauging when people are lying, figuring out escape routes, etc. But he has to figure out when to fight, who to fight, and in which style. Sometimes he even has to decide to throw a fight, just to make his target feel more powerful.

TIP: (Episode "Comrades") "One of the hardest things to do in a fight is to make it look like you're trying to kill someone without doing any permanent damage. They don't teach any half-moves in combat training. There are moves designed to kill and maim as efficiently as possible. If those are off limits, one option is open your fist right before a punch lands. Painful, but the force is distributed. Another showy option is a kick to the shoulder. You might break a rib or two; but if you aim right, nobody is going to the morgue."

Being a super slick spy also means having to walk willingly and knowingly into impossible scenarios.

TIP: (Episode "Loose Ends") "There are some fights you just can't win. A force can be so overwhelming that no tactical approach in a fight is going to lead to a victory worth having. When you can't win in a fight, sometimes you have to settle for making sure that if you lose, everyone loses. It works for nuclear weapons; it works for me."


LITTLE PINK HOUSES FOR YOU AND ME

TIP: (Episode "Double Booked") "Spies make great neighbors; they're polite, they keep the lawn trim, and they never crank up the music at night. They don't stand out, because they don't want to be found. So if you're hunting for a covert operative and all you've got to go on are the names of a few dozen suspects, you're out of luck... unless you know where to look."

In case you hadn't realized how tedious the life a covert operative can be, let Michael, once again, take you on a guided tour of a spy's favorite place to hide…suburbia. Yes, there's no better cover than a well-kept lawn and a decorative wind chime by the front door.


DUCK AND COVER

TIP: (Episode "Scatter Point") "A criminal cover ID isn't just about a new name and phone number; it's about fitting into a culture with its own rules and hierarchies. It's a world where bank robbers are the rock stars, con artists are the snobs, car thieves are the blue-collar guys, and safecrackers are the artists."

One of the hardest parts of being a stylish man of mystery…is the mystery part. The art of a cover ID and playing a different role is something that almost can't be taught. Almost. Michael's still got a bounty of meaty morsels to hand out on the topic.

TIP: (Episode "Breaking and Entering") "When you're claiming to be someone you're not, the key is commitment. You've got to sell it like your life depends on it, because sometimes it does. One reason to work with the same people is you know each other's moves, so if you shoot at your team in the middle of an operation, they know to go with it."

When Michael is "on the clock," he's usually playing an over-the-top criminal caricature as part of a delicious con game. Different accents. Different histories. One thing that these cover IDs have in common is that they're always someone of vastly inferior intelligence...to the real Michael Westen. Still, it can be a lot of work to keep it all straight under pressure.

TIP: (Episode "False Flag") "Facts are the hallmark of a good false identity. It is harder to create history than it is to alter it. Plus, the more truth to your lie, the easier it is to remember."


* * *

And a few winner lines from Fiona that I may find useful in the future:

Fiona, upon hearing that a friend used a baseball bat in a fight, tells him, "Use a golf club next time. Greater force to a smaller area."

Michael gives Fi a look like, Please control your harpy. Fi actually steps up, walking Patricia through a relaxation exercise. She tells her to close her eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine herself next to a peaceful mountain stream. "Now picture yourself drowning the kidnapper in the stream." She continues: "You're taking a rock from the stream and raising it above your head. And with tremendous force, you're bringing--"